Artist Skottie Young, check 'em out
Celebrity, Zombies and Celebrity Zombies
“Dear Zombie Attorneys,
I represent a well-known entertainer who has recently been ‘promoted to Glory’. The estate has already been contacted with very lucrative lease offers, but we are naturally concerned about preserving the artist’s lifetime works. If we lease out our zombie star, will that have any effect on the intellectual property rights she held in life?”
- Cautious in Clearwater
Good question, Cautious. No. Almost never.
In general the IP generated by a person stays with the estate, or the record company (for example), after their passing. In certain rare situations, however, body-part insurance (of the type that movie stars get on their smile, for athletes on their legs, say) do pass on with the zombie to their new leasor. Or, in other words, the new leasor becomes a second party insured by operation of law.
So, the party who leases a famous zombie doesn’t benefit per se from the zombie’s star power, but they may have a claim should that star power be damaged in an incident after death.
Zafety Equipment?
“Dear Attorneys,
I run a little sandwich and coffee shop, just me and my son. We don’t actually lease any zombies, but I think maybe the after-hours clean-up company that I use (cuz I’ve got to sleep sometime) uses a few to empty trash.
I just got a notice from the city Department of Health saying that I need to have zombie safety equipment installed and inspected within 30 days. Can they do that, even though I don’t have any necro-labor? What if I use a human-only cleaning company?”
- Small Shop in South Dade
I’m afraid that’s right, SS. And it’s not because you have a zombie-ful cleaning service, it’s because you serve the public, any particular member of which, it’s sad to say, could amble into your shop, give up the ghost, and cause a zombie “problem”.
However, there are several ways to satisfy the State and Federal requirements. Tasers work against most zombies, especially newly-minted ones, since they still have all the muscle fiber of a human…unfortunately, so do humans, and mis-fired tasers striking would-be escapees have resulted in as many zombie meals as misses.
Fire extinguishers can be used to satisfy regulatory requirements, if they are the kind that contain animal proteins (which not all do, check your label). Those are pretty rare and expensive, though, and I think used mostly on race tracks, so that doesn’t always help. Most likely you’ll just have to buy a couple of those DeathAlert bracelets for yourself and your son (or any other employee) so the authorities can be alerted if there’s a zombie loose (which are cheap)…and have a Zombie-Scape exit or safe room installed as well (which are not).
So Sick I’d Have to Get Better to Die
“Dear Cole and Leslie,
I have a few commercial zo’s I use in my garage business…pulling up engine blocks, moving car bodies, and so on.
I had a customer freak out on me the other day when he saw that his car had been touched by a zo. He said that zo’s carry the Swine Flu, and that if he got sick, he was going to sue me! Is that true?”
- Threatened in Tallahassee
Ok, Threatened, let’s distinguish between someone suing you, and someone actually successfully proceeding against you in court, getting a favorable judgment, and collecting on the judgment.
Yes, zo’s do carry bacteria and other bugs, which is why that guy from the County comes by and takes a needle-full of their fluids and gives you a certificate of clean health once a year. As long as you’ve got that (you’ve got that, right?) you’ll be good.
But yes, he can sue you, anybody can sue anybody at anytime. Luckily, frivolous lawsuits can be punished by forcing the filing party to pay the defending party’s attorneys fees. So don’t worry, you need more than just a sheet of paper to win a lawsuit, you need good facts, good law, and braaii…well you get it.
Run! Zombies! Racing!
“Hey guys,
I just got back from Las Vegas and made a TON of money betting on racing zombies. Is there any legal zombie racing here in the State of Florida? Is it illegal to bet on zombie races on the internet?”
- Mad Money in Malabar
Glad you had a nice trip, Mad.
I’m sorry to say that most forms of internet gambling are illegal in Florida and at the Federal level. However, it’s not illegal to go to one of the various Seminole Casinos, or to a “racino” (i.e., a dog race track that has various forms of televised betting events).
I think I see where you might be going with this, though, and let me make this very clear: DO NOT start any sort of “independent” zombie racing circle. That is most definitely illegal, in all sorts of ways; you’ll not only be potentially guilty of reckless endangerment if the zo’s get out of the racetrack, but also all the lesser associated crimes like transporting zombies without a license, operating a business without a license, zoning violations, etc.
The Chaaaiiinn of Zombification
Ironic, since legally zombies are considered plant life, like a Venus Fly Trap
“Zombie attorneys,
I understand that people who die of natural causes can spontaneously arise as zombies. However, sometimes death is caused by a zombie attack, where for example a wild zombie would kill someone who would then rise, and kill others, who would then rise and kill others.
When that happens, where does the liability start and stop? What about class action lawsuits on behalf of the undead, against the chain of infectious biters? Up to the original biter?”
- Risk Calculator in Copenhagen
Hello to our international reader(s)!
Wonderful questions, RC. YES, the original zombie (or his estate) can potentially be liable for any damage caused by his Rising, if he or his family (or in some cases his employer) had reason to believe that death was impending for any reason. This is why so many nursing homes in the South Florida area…loving called God’s Waiting Room by we in the legal community…have armed orderlies and mag-locked doors.
The damages caused by those that the first zombie then zombie-fies (zombtificates? enzombies?) CAN be pinned on the original zombie party in some cases, but now we’re getting pretty far down what we call the chain of causation. The main case on this point where a person died on a bus of retirees going to a casino, and turned the whole dang bus including the driver, which THEN ran a red light and killed more people…that was in the Courts for years, and eventually established that all foreseeable consequences of zombification are potential damages.
Moral of the story- If you think you’re going to turn into a zombie, take steps like getting one of those Death Alert ™ bracelets that dials up the cops. Or try not to die in the first place.
Dedding Gift
As long as it doesn't have raspberry filling. Hate that.
“Hey guys,
My fiancee died before we had a chance to get married. The estate has leased him out, I think to a construction company. The last I heard, the engagement ring was still on his finger. Can I get it back?”
- Frugal in Ft. Pierce
I would be surprised if that were the case. Normally zombies are thoroughly inspected, disinfected, and groomed before they are certified for commerce. This can include removing medical implants, pins or plates, even braces (or, indeed, the entire jaw, if it’s an industrial setting), anything that could interfere with the control software of rigging.
It’s more likely that the ring was included in his estate, like all of his other stuff; car, TV, what have you, since the ring was your gift to him, and therefore his sole property as of his passing.
Legally, then, you really don’t have any grounds to get the ring or anything else, unless you were in his will.
Socially, I’m a little out of my depth here. You might offend the family by intervening in their plans for his property, but hey, in this neconomy, who could blame you for being Frugal?
Moon Bombs can’t win hearts and minds
DIE!
“Dear Lawyers!
I am a werewolf, and part of my religion involves the worship of the Moon, against which the United States has perpetrated an unprovoked Act of Aggression! The bombing of the Moon is a direct assault on my rights as a citizen of the United States, and infringes on my Freedom of Religion! How can I immediately file an injunction in the World Court to stop this violence!?!”
- Lunar Lover in Lauderdale
A complete answer to the many questions you submit, LLL, would require getting into the nuances of international law, property rights, and Constitutional rights. Here are the high points that I think you’re looking for:
a. I tend to doubt that the First Amendment to the Constitution, which forbids the Congress from making law “respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof”, would be pertinent to the Moon Bombing. Think more along the lines of, say, a law making it illegal for you to worship the Moon, if you want to see how the First Amendment was meant to work.
b. No one really owns the Moon anyway, though I do understand that mining rights have been claimed by various countries due to the theoretical presence of h3. So, I’m not sure where you’d go to get an injunction that would have any force.
